My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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