I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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