why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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