I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
