AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
