??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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