I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
