Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
