toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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