I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
