when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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