I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
