Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
