I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
