I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
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When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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