i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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