Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
