youre lurking in front of me
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dear god my vagina.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
