The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
