i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
