im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
