Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
