shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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