I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I can't put those talents on a resume
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
