I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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