Only a mothe r could love this liver
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
