when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I want to fling myself into the sun
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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