I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
