Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
