it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The air was thick with penises
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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