He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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