Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
