Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
