If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
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