dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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