dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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