i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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