If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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