Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
