if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
