I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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