Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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