FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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