just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize