It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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