sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
