She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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