Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
