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i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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