Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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