ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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