pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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