took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
