dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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