Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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