So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
