I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
