She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
