Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
