She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
