She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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