The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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